Dear Thoughts,
Hesitation and fear creep up on me as I begin to write you down. I drop my pen and attempt to get busy with something else instead. I admit. I've been running away from you. Wow, I guess for a while now... Running as far as I possibly can to avoid meeting you. Most days you force a visit to me anyway. Even when my door is locked shut, somehow, you find your way to tumble through like a backpacker coming home after a long trip.
The thing is, since we've been on lockdown, you got me going haywire. I can't exactly put my finger on it. You have taken me everywhere and nowhere. By the time I think I've figured out where you're taking me, you've already steered the ship in a different direction.
Your ceaseless fluctuation has brought on a lot of self-doubt. You’ve taken me with you to the darkest of rooms, the highest of mountains, the windiest of roads, and the calmest of oceans. I have struggled to sit with you for long. I have shied away from sharing you with others in fear of feeling invalidated, in fear of feeling alone. You left me feeling alone anyway.
You left me confused, scared, yet also, weirdly curious. Curious to see what destruction you bring along with you. Curious to see what pain you carry. Curious to see what love and wisdom you store in your sack.
Six months into lockdown, I finally begin to feel that the foreign lands you've taken me to don't feel too foreign anymore. I finally decide to trust you, to surrender to you. I decide to give in to your cries for attention. I want you to know that I hear you. You can take me wherever you choose to go. I will hold space for you. I will love you, all of you.
Yours truly,
Aya