It never occurred to me that that I would witness a global crisis during my lifetime. And even if I did in some vague capacity, I never thought we would be at threat from an invisible-to-the-naked-eye virus that would take us by storm. As I sit here in my living room in San Francisco, “Day 10" of the quarantine, I wonder what all of this means for me, for my community, and for the world.
Every morning, inevitably, I start my day by checking the latest news. Some days, fear overwhelms me to the point that I manifest the symptoms of the virus or worry about my job, others the virus feels so distant from me, and others I find myself feeling agitated with the changes the virus has presented to my life, the lack of information on where this is going, and the misinformation floating around.
Day after day, the distance of the epidemic is slowly shrinking as I hear of friends and colleagues who have been diagnosed, lost their jobs, or were hit hard economically. Some who have been affected mildly, others who are struggling to survive. I’d be lying to you if I said I am not worried. I worry for myself, I worry for my grandparents, I worry about the economic repercussions, I worry about those who have lost their jobs, I worry about those who rely on a daily income to feed their families, and I also worry about those in war-stricken areas as I begin to empathize more with their struggle around limited mobility driven by fear of losing their lives.
Yet, strangely, amidst the fear of it all, I feel a sense of unity that I haven't felt before. I am oddly finding myself on the exact same page to my friends and family in the Middle East, Europe, Latin America, etc... All of a sudden, I go to bed sharing the same concerns, fears, struggles, and pains as those around me both near and far. In one way or another, there is something deeply comforting about that. Something so unifying around it. It weirdly creates a sense of community, even if illusive. While the health and economic repercussions for some groups are much more grave than others, in the eyes of the virus and the economy, we are all at risk.
And amidst collective unity, I also observe internal loneliness and chaos. Chaos generated from being forced to sit with myself. Chaos from the internal dialogue that goes on when I find no distractions. Chaos coming from observing my thoughts, feelings, and self-destructive behaviors. Loneliness that emerges from not socializing. Loneliness that comes up from self-isolation. I begin to doubt how well I know myself. I begin to realize that Covid has an important message for me; to teach me to slow down, to teach me to reflect, to teach me self-care, to teach me to sit with myself, to teach me to heal, to teach me to be, to teach me to surrender. 10 days in, I know I am exactly where I need to be, have no where to go, and no-one to be.