I’m a woman of many words. I think in words, I dream in words, I express my feelings in words, and I write using words. Words capture my soul. They give me profound ways to share myself with others. They also provide me with infinite journal entries and lists of goals and to-do’s that I spend countless hours drafting and redrafting everyday.
When 2020 kicked in last week, I decided to challenge myself by significantly reducing the number of words I uttered over the course of 7 days. I took it upon me to be more cognizant of the words I used with others, as well as the words that roamed my head day in day out.
I’ve had very few days in my life when I said little to others, but fewer days when I said little to myself, and even fewer days when I said little to myself and others in the context of meeting them for the first time.
Typically, when I encounter someone for the first time within a social context, or even a fleeting context at times, I have an urge to tell them my story and ask about theirs. I use the same familiar words and repeated self-constructed narratives to buy their empathy and validation, and fish for words from their mouth to find empathy within me to give them the validation and comfort I assume they need. I usually use my eye gaze to aid my communication but rarely ever use my eyes as the only way to communicate.
Last week, I was blessed with meeting a group of incredible human beings in Nicaragua. I itched to share my story to with them. I craved to win their validation in someway. I itched to share where I was from, what I dream about, how I perceive the world, how I feel, and what’s important to me, only to realize I was limiting the ways in which I was sharing myself with the group. I was limiting the ways in which I was being perceived, not only by others, but also by myself.
Instead, I tried not to. I tried to share fewer words and create more room to listen; to listen to my body, my mind, and all that was around me; matter and living things alike. I was worried it was going to be a really difficult task at first, but I was blessed to find it wasn’t actually that hard. Thanks to the amazingly supportive and empowering people around me and the endless natural beauty of San Juan del Sur, it felt so natural to tap into my primal self, to communicate sans words, to interact without firing up much activity in my prefrontal cortex.
In the process of using fewer words, something magical happened. I felt for the first time, I loved for the first time, I experienced for the first time. I realized I’d been thinking about experiencing, loving, and struggling this whole time. I’d been so caught up communicating to the world what I was seeing, feeling, and experiencing. Yet suddenly, I had so much more room within me to actually feel and listen. My means of communicating with others was widened infinitely. I found endless space within me to share my love without words, to share my curiosity without asking too many questions, to share my gaze just for the sake of sharing my gaze, and to really feel without the need to share for the sake of validation or love.
This leaves me wondering what words are and how they came to be. Did we create words to describe feelings we had before language emerged or are our feelings and thoughts today limited by the language we’ve chosen? I even ponder whether words actually aid me or limit me. Either way, I’m grateful for words. Thanks to them, I can share with you how I felt without them.