Since the world sort of hit pause over 6 months ago, I've found that I have more time on my hands. Time that has gotten me to realize that my default existence is to consume, consume, consume: food, social media, music, news, TV, reading materials, clothing, beauty products, friendships…
For whatever reason, actually many that I can identify, including my very structured upbringing in Jordan and my lack of confidence in myself and my creative powers, when I’m not “working”, I find myself consuming. And I intentionally use the words "find myself", because more often than not, my consumption is mindless and I infrequently wake up to it.
Today, I am writing to you because I need you to hold me accountable. Honestly, I have had enough… I’m so done, seriously. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and overstimulated by our consumer culture: constantly being bombarded with, and usually subconsciously persuaded by, chatter, photos, and advertisements of what to buy, how to look, how to be, how to love, and how to exist. Constantly being trained to surrender my power to everything external. Constantly living through others’ feeds. Constantly being trained to seek instant gratification. Constantly being trained to lose trust in myself, my body, and its infinite wisdom.
This mode of existing is killing my brain cells. It leaves me feeling used, empty, inadequate, and unsatisfied. It leaves me living for the "next thing.” Planning my next move, my next social gathering, my next job, my next set of goals… It leaves me feeling like a robot: programmed, predictable, tamed.
It’s only as of recent that I started realizing that our consumer culture is designed to take advantage of our mindless conscience. It’s designed to take advantage of our feelings of inadequacy and of our susceptibility to addiction. As a consumer, she is predictable, tamable, and submissive. Even Instagram can predict with substantial certainty what she'll do next.
On the flip side, as a creator, she’s destructive, unpredictable, wild. That’s when she becomes unstoppable. That’s when she ventures into unknown territories, territories that may even challenge those around her.
I’ve become curious to explore what it means to indulge in creation for the sake of expression. I’ve become curious to explore what it means to creatively and fearlessly express myself, to jerk my hips to the beat of the drums, to whip my hair like no one’s watching, to roar out loud like a volcano erupting.
I’ve become curious to explore what it would feel like to wake up every morning and choose to create. To create day after day. To create something that feels wholeheartedly authentic to me. To create something that awakens me, awakens my senses, and provides pleasure and fulfillment in the mundane tasks.
It’s not easy for me, and I’m sure for many of you too. It’s hard when our society limits how we can express ourselves. I ask how can she explore the avenues of her existence when there’s such black and white boundaries? How can she create freely when she is not allowed to go over “red lines - alkhotoot alhamra”? How can she be empowered to tap into her magic when she is expected to follow one path and one path only?
I’m slowly discovering there’s ways, regardless of the noise. The paths have never been more illuminated, thanks to Mr. Covid. Thanks for forcing me to stay at home. Thanks for helping me seek reconnection with my long-lost creator essence. I am determined to find her.