Am I enough? Do I deserve to be loved? Do I deserve to be free? Do I deserve to exist? Shame, self-loathing, and anxiety creep up on me vehemently. I must outperform, outsmart, try harder. I need to get recognized somehow. I try harder, I stay up at night, I put my head down and go go go. I leave no room for anyone or anything to come my way. “Bulldozer” my teachers name my phenomenon. "Aya needs to learn to relax" the counsellor shares with me and my mom. Her words enter my right ear and leave through the left. I dismiss her comments because "she just doesn’t get it.”
I get the recognition I seek: “Student of the Year.” I proudly run up to stage to pick up my medal and hurry home to share the news with my parents. Confidence and pride fill me up as I break the news to them, they acknowledge and congratulate me, though with not as much excitement as I’d wished for. I get some other award the following year, and another the year after, but it only takes a day to two for my confidence to ware off, and I am quick to identify the next thing to be done, to be accomplished, to be achieved. I quickly become aware of all the areas where I’m lacking again, where I’m not enough, where I need to change. It only takes a few years of this cycle to to break me apart, to burn me out, to cause me to lose faith in myself and those around me.
What was all this for I ask myself years later? My counsellor definitely did not understand what was happening, and frankly, neither did I, nor did my parents. I was on auto-pilot mode trying to survive. Trying to prove that I deserved to be free, that I deserved to be loved, that I deserved to be attended to, that I deserved to express myself in all the ways that I chose. And yet, whatever I did, it was never enough to earn me the same rights, freedoms, and respect the men around me had access to by default. I’m not sure I was even convinced that I fully deserved all the freedoms they had that I didn't. I was 16, I did not know better.
For years, I did not know how to trust myself. I was constantly drowning in wells of distrust of my wisdom and intuition. I felt lost, confused, loveless. I continued defining my self worth by my accomplishments, what others saw in me, how others perceived the work I was doing.
This mentality took me far away from embracing the power of the feminine energy within me, the sultry side of me, the manifestation of nurture, indulgence, softness, and self-care. I became a robot, defining myself by my accomplishments, how much money I earned. I assumed that success meant abolishing all sides of me that were more feminine.
I carried this into the workplace too, where I continuously defined my accomplishments by production. Where I was taught to believe that consistency is what I needed to offer, which led me to ignore the cyclicality of my body, my energy, and my true essence. I shied away from expressing myself authentically because I was “too much” or “too little” for everyone around me. Not only in my own country, but also the country I fled to!
I’m 26 now, and every cell in my body tells me loudly that I am enough, that I deserve to be loved, that I deserve to feel safe, that I deserve to express myself in all the ways that I choose, and that I deserve to be free. That I deserve to be free. That I deserve to be free. You do too. It’s a human right. Don’t let others take it away from you.