If you know me, even peripherally, you would know I’m a dreamer. And I don’t just mean the type that over indexes on the trait to land the best jobs and get into top schools (although let’s be honest, I'm 100% victim of that too), but also the type that some might see as fluffy, excessively emotional, and/or impractical. My heart aches at the thought of any type of segregation, I sob profusely at the thought of a world built on the premise of empathy, love, and openness, and I get inspired by even the most cliche of movies that depict a kinder and more loving world.
As a kid attending private school in Jordan, I was bombarded with the phrase "changing the world”, mostly by foreign university representatives who would occasionally visit to share the type of person they were hoping to admit into their selective schools. It did not take me long to realize I was one of those dreamers; I itched at thought of making the world a better place for others. I spent way too many hours of my teenage years in my bathtub dramatically shedding tears as Coldplay’s lyrics “if you try your best but don’t succeed” swiftly landed on my ears. I told myself so many stories of how I was going to change the world for the better and have an impact on others. For a very long time, those images defined my existence, they dominated my thoughts, my words, my actions, and even my sleep.
Over the last couple years something shifted: I fortuitiously met “ugly Aya." I was confronted with my deepest subconscious thoughts around my motivations and insecurities. I came to reckon that perhaps the reason for me viewing the world in this way was a bit more selfish than I had initially thought. Where was this “savior” mindset of mine coming from? Why did I itch to save people and change their ways, behaviors, and actions, when most times they weren’t seeking the change themselves? Did I see myself and my way of living as better than others? Or was I trying to win society’s validation by making a grand impact? Was I hypocritical in being a voice of change when I couldn’t even change my own “bad" traits and habits?
This series of questions continue to plague my brain today as I work to redefine my existence without the attachment to changing the world, others, or even myself. I learned the hard way that by forcefully trying to change others, I was doing more harm than good, not only to them, but also to myself. I carried the weight of others on my shoulders, depleted my energy, and very quickly, ended up in situations that brought up quite unglamorous sides of my personality. I slowly started realizing that perhaps it was more productive for me to be responsible for managing myself only and to improve myself in the ways that I can, while remembering to shower myself with unconditional love along the way, and hopefully finding the space to shower others with unconditional love too.
In trying to change others, I had an underlying assumption that I knew something they didn't, and that my way was better than theirs. While I am still working on completely detaching myself from this idea, a form of surrender that has proven to be more challenging than expected, I ultimately concluded that whatever the circumstance, it is more productive for me to try to control my own words, my own actions, my own interactions, and hope that somewhere in the process, I can inspire someone else to do the same.
It is for these reasons that I changed my mind about changing the world. Instead, I now vow to try to be the best version of myself everyday. While this can be so effing hard at times, I’m positive that if we each tried to bring out the best of ourselves, without trying to change others, or even fight our own nature, we would likely make the world a much more inviting place for all ❤️